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Trying to Become Parents Part 16: The BEST News Ever & The worst news ever

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It’s taken me ages to upload. So many things have happened since the last update to this journey. Good news and bad news.

I’ll start with a bit of good news. We did a transfer of our only male embryo. The two week wait and the hcg beta tests were so extremely nerve-wracking. I was so nervous that I wouldn’t have good news, but the numbers doubled, and then at the third beta test, the results skyrocketed to about 6 times over the expected doubling. Which should have indicated to me that we were dealing with multiples but I was just lucky to finally be pregnant and it really stuck in there.

The bad news is, I was carrying twins for about seven weeks. We found out when I was 6 weeks and some days that I was carrying two babies, strong heartbeats, similar in size. At our next monitoring check around week 8 and 3 days, one of them no longer had a heartbeat.

We had about two weeks to absorb the idea of having twins, and just started to get excited and call them “the boys” because we were pretty sure they were identical twins from our one embryo splitting into two. That’s a story for another day because our doctor is convinced it was from my ovulation as it showed signs of genetic abnormality (but we followed directions and didn’t have sex before or after transfer so how did it get there?!).

Vanishing twin syndrome is pretty common, but often missed with regular unassisted pregnancies. Since I’ve been monitored every two weeks, we saw it happen. It gave us a little bit of time to love another baby before it was gone, but still heartbreaking. I never expected to experience a pregnancy loss and my first pregnancy at the same time.

And that’s the good news. I am 9 weeks and 5 days today. Our baby boy that stayed earth-side is growing so well. We got to hear his heartbeat, he’s got fingers and toes, and he’s just perfect. We are going to be parents by April 30!

Our little embryo that could!

As much as we are saddened by the loss, we are so grateful that we still have a baby and that we still get to be parents. I’m trying to stay as positive as possible because our baby deserves the least amount of distress.

So, we’re pregnant. FINALLY!

Talk to you soon, Babbles&brains

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Trying to Become Parents Part 13: Cautious Eggscitement

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So I’ve been doing the stimulation injections for 10 days and we’re so close to the egg retrieval! I trigger tonight and tomorrow morning and retrieval surgery is on Monday. It’s here. It’s really happening!

An illustrated example of what we hope to happen with all our eggs Monday!

I have 23 follicles growing steadily. I’m absolutely one to count eggs before they hatch. This is how my math works: 23 eggs that can get fertilized, they’re probably going to get about 20 eggs from the retrieval, about 1/3 of these eggs will get fertilized and grow to day 5 to get frozen. That means by Saturday, we will ideally get 6-7 embryos before they are tested for chromosome abnormalities.

I mean technically, it only takes one to take, but having our best chances for success would be ideal, and a few saved for multiple tries or a sibling later would be great. Regardless, I’ll be over the moon if we have just one embryo. That’s one possible baby I’d never have without IVF.

I’d really like to never have to do another egg retrieval though. It is very uncomfortable right now having ovaries the size of Meyer lemons. And it’s definitely out of our budget to do this again. #myteachersalaryisajoke

Anyway, wish us the best outcome! We’re so excited to finally start our family soon. Until next time,

Babbles&brains

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Trying to Become Parents Part 11: Project Science Baby is HAPPENING

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I have not updated the “Trying To Become Parents Journey” since November 2021. And finally, I have more to share than “I’m just waiting.” Here’s a list of what’s happened since that March 2021 post:

Just the start of all the medications and supplements I have to take daily
  • We changed insurances so we could be served better by the fertility clinic we chose (and so I can give birth in the hospital closest to my home).
  • I’ve been slowly collecting fragrant orchid plants.
  • We applied for IVF financing and were only given two terrible options (extremely high APR and not the amount of money we needed to loan).
  • We applied for a line of credit with our bank for a better loan and interest rate for our predicament.
  • We were approved for the line of credit with our bank.
  • We paid for the initial charges for IVF.
  • I got my Master’s Degree and my Administrative Credential.
  • I attended a duo baby shower for my two cousins who are expecting (actually one of them has given birth since last week) and I only cried about it a few times.
  • I started the portion of IVF that requires birth control to keep my ovaries calm.
  • I have an official PCOS diagnosis as the cause for infertility instead of “obesity” now thanks to this clinic.
  • I met with my IVF Nurse Coordinator and got a schedule for the next three months.
  • I ordered the injection medications that may be more than the payment for IVF if my insurance doesn’t cover it.
  • I start injections next week.

For those of you who don’t know, IVF is in vitro fertilization. That’s where the doctors grow as many follicles to maturity as possible in my ovaries, retrieve the eggs from the follicles, fertilize them with my partner’s sperm in a lab and watch over their growth. In my case, they are going to test at least 8 blastocysts for genetic abnormalities before freezing all the good-quality embryos that make it to that stage while my body calms down from the egg retrieval surgery. That is if there is successful fertilization.

This is the only egg retrieval cycle we can afford, so I’m really hoping things turn out well. I’m really hoping for at least four healthy little embryos.

I’ve been calling my IVF experience Project Science Baby among my best friends. It makes it seem more hopeful to me. I’m excited for it to start even though I really hate needles. I keep telling myself it’s completely worth it.

I’ll start updating after each of my appointments from here on out. My baseline appointment is scheduled for June 9!

Talk to you soon,

Babbles&brains

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Puppy update!

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Since owning our pupper, he’s grown. A lot. Here’s some pictures of him at 1

He’s the best thing ever. He loves treats, the dog park, walks, and pets.

I know it’s been a while. I’m working on some things and doing a lot of waiting. I’ll fill you in when I have the energy to share.

Thanks, babbles&brains

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Posted in Teaching & Education

My Students Need YOUR Help

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I can usually handle everything with any materials I have in my classroom, but there’s a few things my student’s are not able to do their best without.

I’ve made a DonorsChoose project to get some Kindle Paperwhites. These are wonderful devices (I have one myself) and so useful for my students who struggle reading because of visual impairments or specific learning disabilities like dyslexia. We tried to get some for my students through the district, but we were rejected. So I’m here to ask for help getting these things for my students.

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

The features I find on the Kindle Paperwhite that are useful for my students are the ability to change the font style and size, high contrast mode, and the capability to listen to audiobooks. All of these cool features would be life-changing for some of my students who have a hard time reading and understanding texts. Though my district can purchase large-font texts of the books we are supposed to read, it’s just not enough to meet the needs of all of my students. The students do have Chromebooks, but with the limited ability to adjust many things on the Chromebook due to district settings and the constant glare of the computer screen, it does more harm than good for some of my students. Plus, the screens are so small, and even with changing the zoom or font size, it’s still to hard for some of my students. Kindle Paperwhites are small, but the font size can be set big enough for any of my visually impaired students to read.

Having Kindle Paperwhites for my students will help so many more than just one kind of special learning disability. All I need is five of them. The e-books to download are so much more affordable than the large font books, and often free. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good paper book, but for some of my kids, they need better options for accessibility.

If you find it in your heart to donate any amount of money for my 7-12th grade students to get these great tools for learning, please click on this link donorschoose.org and donate as soon as possible.

My students will appreciate it so much. I’m excited to see some of them finally enjoy reading instead of seeing it as something too difficult to do.

Thank you in advance and see you next time,

Babbles&brains

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I have a FLOOF

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I think I mentioned several times that during my tales of pain and suffering that I really needed a dog. Some sweet, fluffy cuddler that’s always happy to see me and wants to snuggle and play and helps me get out of my own head. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my cats, but they aren’t up for my wailing into their fur or forcing snuggles.

This is my sweet snuggle boy, Kenobi.

My big baby pup. Look at that helmet hair! So goofy.

I didn’t picture myself with an enormous breed of dog through childhood. But I fell in love with my in-laws’ “Golden-Aussie mix” puppy that grew and grew…. and GREW (I think their dog is a Leonberger mix or Great Pyrenees mix). That dog is a wonderful snuggle pup. So I’ve been waiting for my own gentle giant. and now he is here!

My sweet boy is a Great Pyrenees, and he is exactly what we needed.

We got him at 9 weeks old in January. He is now just over 4 months old and already 50 pounds. Very much in his velociraptor/destructive stage. All the stakes that held up trees and vines in the backyard are now his outside chew toys. He’s dug several holes, chewed up an extension cord to our fountain, unearthed part of our sprinkler system, and he sheds cotton balls EVERYWHERE. But, he stays within our fence, comes when called (mostly), leaves the cats alone to figure him out, and has so much love to give.

I love him, and he is perfect.

Someone once told me that I acted as if he is a placeholder for a child with the way I presented him to friends and family. He is not a placeholder. He is a big part of my heart. He is family, and came into my life at the exact time I needed him the most. Don’t ever talk like that about my baby dog son ever again.

He is going to be an excellent big brother to our future child. Some day.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

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Trying to Become Parents Part 7: Second IUI Results and Reflection

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New year, five months later, and not much changed for me.

Fourteen days after IUI and I’m not pregnant. Again. Ten percent chance, so I’m sure I’m just in the 90% that didn’t work out. Again.

I had some pretty intense cramping three days ago, which gave me a little hope and a lot of anxiety, and I bombarded myself with what-ifs: what if that’s implantation pain, what if that’s too late for implantation and I’ll have a miscarriage, what if this is all in my head anyway, what if I’m too stressed because of not being pregnant to get pregnant? I try not to do that, but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s awful though. How on earth does anyone get through this? There’s a part of me that wants to get a support group, but then another part that isn’t sure about hearing about other people’s successes if they happen sooner than mine.

Anyway, that’s the second of six IUIs I can do with my insurance. Apparently the 3rd and 4th are supposed to be the most “effective,” but then there’s also the crippling fear that even if I do get pregnant, I could miscarry. There is no amount of preparation I can do to not be devastated if that would happen. Again, with the what-ifs.

I’m feeling defeated right now. So I have to do some more reflecting on this whole thing.

I am going to do one more IUI and then decide if this is the path to motherhood I should continue on. I want to make sure I am mentally capable of handling terrible news for at least another year, or stopping treatments and looking into adoption.

Here’s what I want to do now:

  • Paint the entertainment center in the living room.
  • Paint the second bathroom.
  • Go on walks every day.
  • Practice mindful eating.
  • Do something just for me every day.

I think doing these things will help me get back on track to face the next part of this journey.

At least… I hope so.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

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Trying to Become Parents: Part 6- Waiting Some More

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I was instructed to take an at home pregnancy test 16 days after the HCG trigger shot, and 14 days after the IUI. That day was yesterday, November 22, 2020.

The results were negative. A few hours later, I started my period. So here I am, still have never been pregnant, and still desiring to become a mom.

Thankfully, I’m not as devastated as I have been earlier this year. I mean, I did cry. A lot. But I was able to get up and go to work today. We did everything we could. It just wasn’t the time. It’s sad, but there’s a plan in there somewhere, that we have a next step to get to.

What I do know, is that I ovulated for sure. Which means, hopefully, my body will do it again this cycle without treatment. We probably won’t get to try IUI again or any medications for this cycle, because with the pandemic, women are only receiving treatments every other cycle unless there are appointments available. Which makes me feel like a whole cycle of my younger eggs is going to be wasted without treatment, like it’s guaranteed that it won’t happen without treatments to help us get pregnant. It feels unfair.

This whole process of infertility is unfair to me.

I endured childhood trauma–abuse, foster care, courtrooms, and more. I know how important being loved and cared for is to children. I suffered greatly from my own biological parents, and they were able to have children with no issues. I worked so hard with therapists and doctors with the goal of one day becoming a healthy parent. I know that children are a gift and a blessing, and I want my children to feel that they are cherished, that they very much belong. But I am still unable to conceive. When might I have my chance to have a beautiful “ever after” story doing my best to be a great parent with my husband?

Maybe January 2021 will be the month. I don’t know. Not knowing really hurts me.

I am in need of a puppy soon. I need something to keep my mind off of it, something to keep me going, something happy that I can spoil rotten. Something that will make me go out and get fresh air. A puppy, or a better harness for my black cat, Pantherlily, so I can take him out on walks. I just had an idea—- BOTH a puppy and a new harness for my cat so we can take them out on walks together!

Anyway, we’re going to keep trying.

If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility, let them know they’re not alone for me? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains

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Trying to Become Parents- Part 5: A Milestone

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I can’t believe this is might actually happen for me.

I haven’t posted since September because everything was basically the same. Not ovulating, no pregnancy, no parenthood in sight, just waiting to get an appointment to be seen and start a new course of treatment.

Right now, I am truly hopeful, and feel so much lighter. Though I haven’t been ovulating, I’ve finally had an appointment with the fertility clinic last week for an ultrasound to check for cysts before starting treatment for an IUI procedure. No cysts, and healthy follicles!

If you didn’t know, IUI means Intrauterine Insemination, a procedure where they take the male donor’s sperm as close as possible to the egg right at ovulation, to increase the chances of conception.

After two ultrasounds and a round of letrozole, my follicles look very healthy, the uterine lining is nice and cozy for conception, and everything is looking good. We’re just waiting for me to ovulate. I’m hoping that I do by Saturday, but if I don’t have an LH surge by tomorrow I think we might have to do another ultrasound and maybe even a HCG trigger shot to get my body to ovulate for the procedure.

The good news is, within the next seven days, I might finally become pregnant for the first time. I mean, I won’t really know for two weeks after the procedure, but it might happen. The chances are good. Everything is looking great. I’m trying to be as positive as possible.

The doctor and nurses I’ve seen have been so optimistic and hopeful about it, and it makes me have more hope that I will become a mom soon.

I’m not sure why I desire becoming a parent so much, I know how difficult it will be to be a parent. But this desire is overwhelming my heart and soul. I’ve prayed on this so much, asking God why this desire is adhered to my soul so strongly, but it hasn’t lifted or lessened after all this time.

So I truly, deeply hope that this will happen for us.

Please pray for us, send well wishes or good vibes. But again, no baby dust, because that sounds like you’re making dust out of babies and that’s just weird.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

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Trying to Become Parents- Part 4: Pandemic Blues

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Warning: This post has moments that are possibly TMI.

Trying to have a baby in a pandemic is difficult, especially if it is difficult to conceive. I finally started my period (about a week and a half late because I don’t think I ovulated. Believe me, I took a ton of pregnancy tests, all negative). I called the clinic as instructed on the first day of my cycle, and guess what? No appointments available.

The fertility clinic patients are getting treatments every other cycle with all of the regulations and social distancing rules. So since I couldn’t get an appointment this time, I’m on the list to get an appointment next cycle. But I don’t know when that will happen at this point. It’s not guaranteed that I can get an appointment next cycle either.

This is hard. I really need to have this appointment to rule out cysts and begin a different treatment to conceive. It’s the next step to starting a family for us. It’s all up in the air now.

I thought I found some patience and peace about waiting since meeting the specialist at an online appointment. Now I’m just so frustrated, and sad. Why can’t I just be a little bit normal at least and conceive like so many others can? How come no matter how much I want to be a parent, there are SO many obstacles in the way? What is so wrong with me?

There are other patients who are older than me, where time is running out for them, and they deserve the chance to have a family if they want it. Thankfully, I’m still young and have time, even if I’m tired of waiting. I may have to be more patient still.

Stay healthy and safe, everyone. I think we all want things to go back to normal.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

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Posted in Teaching & Education

Focusing on the Good: Teaching in Fall 2020

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We all need some good news right now, so all I’m going to focus on in this post is all the good things that are happening right now while I’m teaching during this pandemic. Today marks the third week of real distance teaching, and these are the good things I’ve chosen to focus on so far:

My students. I cannot get over how awesome my students are. They’re all ready and WILLING to learn. It is truly amazing and beautiful. Not even kidding I could brag about them all day. I am SO PROUD that my students are on top of things, and it makes keeping them accountable so much easier. I think they all miss being in school and want to be part of it even if it’s distantly. It makes my heart full. I know it’s not the same for all the grade levels, and Pre-K to 3rd grades really need all the community building time they can get and in-person instruction. I hope we can all get that soon. I am so happy that my middle and high school students are stepping it up to be their best.

Quiet time. I’m always available for my students during school hours, but during school hours it’s been so nice to give direct instruction and then let them do their thing while checking in. The kids like being able to have the opportunity to go and focus on their work and not get distracted by others. It’s not the same for all households, but they are getting into the groove of finding their perfect school area at home to learn. I have a few students who struggled last year who are absolutely killing it because they’re figuring out what works for them. Also, I can get my grading done much faster, which is the bane of my existence.

Helping out. Family is super important to me, and I have two nieces enrolled at my school. So I get to have them over a few times a week to work on staying on top of school during distance learning, as they both struggled a lot last spring. I am excited to give them a space to learn and grow during a pandemic. Plus, it helps my sister out while she is working to have someone to look out for her daughters. I’m more than happy to help whenever I’m needed.

Time to Calm Down. I get myself really busy, but being able to work from home has given me so many opportunities to work on my mental health and working on self-compassion. I know other teachers in other places don’t have the opportunity to work from home right now, but getting this time, even if it’s not going to last forever, has been such a blessing to my head space. Most of the time, anyway.

My Students. Did I mention them already? Because I LOVE being their teacher no matter what. Getting to teach them new things and interact at their level has been a really great learning experience.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the good things. The silver linings. The bright side. Positive vibes.

Do me a favor, and thank a teacher for persevering, for being tenacious, for caring. They need that right now. Make their whole week by just saying something kind.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

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Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 3

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Bad news first: we are still not pregnant.

Good news: We finally had our first appointment with our fertility specialist.

Here’s what happened.

Our blood tests came back good and normal, my HSG procedure had normal results, and my husband’s sample was normal. I’ve been having regular periods since I took Clomid back in April.

The only thing we don’t know and haven’t ruled out is Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I don’t know why, but my OB never did a routine ultrasound to see the health of my ovaries. I have only had ultrasounds done at the emergency room back in January when I had a hemorrhagic cyst, and nobody told me anything else about my ovaries. We have to do that at the start of my next cycle (if we can get an appointment). We were informed that there are other medications and treatments we can do to help me continue ovulating, which I am thankful that there are more options before more expensive and invasive treatments.

If we don’t have success with a different medication after a few cycles, we will probably end up doing Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

Thankfully, all of these treatments are partially covered with our insurance. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be expensive, but it does mean that we can make it happen comfortably with some smart budgeting. That is a huge relief.

I’ve been working very hard on reducing stress and anxiety during this time, and am so relieved to have more information on how my body is working. I’m finally beginning to feel hopeful again that we can really become parents.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

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Posted in Bullet Journaling

Bullet Journal update! August 2020

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NOTICE: Some of the following links are affiliate links. However, all of the products in this post I have purchased myself. Click here for more information.

It’s been a minute since I shared bullet journaling stuff on my blog. Last time I talked about my supplies. For this school year, I got the Scribbles That Matter “Starry Night” insert. I also the white Sakura Gelly Roll White pens to start off with. After doing a lot of research, I was able to score some inexpensive metallic brush pens. For my birthday, a friend sent me the Sakura Moonlight Gelly Roll Pens and THEY. ARE. SO. CUTE! I’ve got some tips and tricks about these things, which I’ll share today.

I didn’t share my July on time, and I also skipped a few weeks. But I have pics of what I have done so here it is. I found the ice cream super adorable, and got the idea from a friend who did shave ice and ice cream for her July theme.

And I actually used a little bit of washi tape. SO CUTE!

So, I’m getting used to these black pages. And since I’ve been working with it, here is some advice for you to keep things looking good!

Let it dry. Gel pens are gorgeous, fluid, shapely, but they take a while to dry. A looooong while. More than you think. I get impatient and close my book and BOOM. Gel pen transfer on my pretty pages. I still don’t know how to get it to dry and solidify quicker. That’s my next research project.

Easy Fixing with Black ink. The awesome thing about my black journal is that it is SO easy to fix a mistake and make it unnoticeable: using black ink. I have been using the Tombow Fudenosuke pens for fixing little transfer dots, line mishaps, and if I write Monday instead of Sunday while trying to write out my weekly. Let that black ink dry too.

Have fun! Seriously, it’s all about having fun for me right now while I organize my life into one dotted notebook. Anything cute and adorable on Pinterest for white page notebooks can totally be re-imagined for black pages. For example, my August spread:

Yeah, I made citrus look freaking fantastic on black pages.

I love working in this journal. I can’t wait to make a nighttime fall theme for September.

That’s all for now. I’ll update you on my Trying to Become Parents next Wednesday.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains

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Trying to Become Parents: Part 2

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I was really hoping this month would be the month. I was so relaxed, calm, and filled my days with things that made me happy.

I even got some pretty intense “could it be PMS or pregnancy?” symptoms I was tracking. For whatever reason, a LOT of heartburn and breast tenderness. Unfortunately, I’m not pregnant. It’s just that time of the month again.

Which is actually really good, because now I am having more regular cycles, so hopefully I am ovulating more regularly. I was able to schedule with radiology and I actually got an appointment for next week! I know it will be good to have this done so we can get a closer look at what is going on. It’s just not going to feel good. My husband is also going to be getting his specimen tested next week. So soon, we will have more information to help us.

Seven-ish months of trying though. I feel like a failure sometimes. Like, I didn’t start trying soon enough, or my body is failing to make it happen. I also feel like I’m running out of time for no reason. I’m only twenty-eight, but I’m already twenty-eight.

Anyway, I’m still waiting to go back to all the tracking until after our tests are done and we have our first appointment with the fertility doctor for their guidance. I am going to feel so relieved knowing more information about what’s going on and getting the help we need to conceive.

I guess that’s all for my update. I’m okay. Mostly. I’m still hopeful.

Thanks for listening,

Babbles&brains

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Posted in Mental Health

Anxiety & Me: How I Get Through

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Possible Trigger Warning: There will be talk about my personal experience with anxiety and PTSD.

If you have anxiety, you understand how difficult it is to manage. Most of the time, I can manage, but sometimes I can’t, but I am finally at a stage where I can usually get through it. I wanted to share how I get through bouts of anxiety attacks, and hopefully it may help someone struggling.

Being Observant: It took me a long time to figure out what triggers my anxiety. Paying attention to the events that happen before an anxiety attack will help you identify what causes the attack. For me, Walmart is a huge trigger. I can’t even drive to the parking lot of Walmart alone (at least in my hometown, but I prefer not to shop at any Walmart for many reasons now). This is because I experienced trauma by two people who used to work there as a young teenager, and on a trip exploring the superstore walking alone, I WALKED PAST the one person I never wanted to see again or know existed in the public in my entire life. My lizard brain does not want to deal with that ever again, so it gets heated at the thought of even entering the parking lot in an attempt to protect me. Understanding the trigger to an anxiety attack is very helpful in the self-talk needed to get through an anxiety attack in a shorter amount of time.

Quiet Spaces: Finding a quiet space at the onset of an anxiety attack is really important for me to focus on grounding myself. I’m not picky about it though, because there are no perfect places when in the midst of an anxiety attack. Bathroom stalls, inside my car, my walk-in closet, or going outside if indoors– these are all quiet spaces I’ve gone to when I experience the beginning of an anxiety attack. It just needs to be a space where I can hear myself think.

Self-Compassion: I think this is the most important. I know I tend to be harsh on myself, and getting frustrated when having anxiety only causes more stress and exacerbates the issue. When you are having an anxiety attack, it is very important that you are giving yourself the care and compassion you deserve. So make self-compassion part of your self-care routine. Currently, I really am enjoying working on self-compassion with The Power of Self-Compassion by Laurie J. Cameron. It’s a fantastic audio book from Audible (not sponsored). Granting yourself the compassion you would to a best friend (or for me, a beloved student) is so important to get you through times of anxiety.

Talk Therapy: Get yourself some healthy coping mechanisms through therapy. Get someone objective to talk to that wants to help you be your best self. Unfortunately, partners don’t count, as usually they are not licensed professionals to help you get the tools you need. Through talk therapy though, you can get some tools to help your partner become even more amazing and supportive (if you have one). During this pandemic, I have found BetterHelp (not sponsored) to be a great option to have access to someone to talk to, and they are very good about helping with affordability.

Medication: Even with everything I do to get through anxiety, I was having a very difficult time last year and was consistently having anxiety attacks far too often for me to live my life. Even with all of my coping skills. At that time, it is important to discuss with a doctor about what has been going on and let them know everything you have done to get through it. Often, they will give a questionnaire and discuss medication options that fit with your lifestyle. To me, medication isn’t a bad thing. It’s like wearing glasses to help you see better. I also requested to get additional blood work done to check my thyroid levels, as I know my family has a history of Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism, and it finally showed up for me, after many checks throughout high school and college. An underactive thyroid affects the brain’s ability to function properly, and for me, it caused intense anxiety. So, now I am taking medication for my thyroid and medication for anxiety, but with the work I am doing to be as healthy as possible, I may not need the anxiety medication much longer as my thyroid has help functioning properly.

So, those are some of the things I find helps me get through my anxiety. Some days are better than others, but overall, I am having fewer anxiety attacks, and have been able to get to the end of an anxiety attack in a shorter amount of time. I think the amount of natural light I’ve been getting in our new house has also been beneficial for my mental health. If you’re struggling, I really hope these ideas may help you find peace and clarity. Let me know what works for you!

Stay healthy, y’all.

Sincerely,

Babbles&brains

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Plant Parenting!

Posted on by babbles&brains

I love gardening. I think in general, I love taking care of things and watching things grow, which is why I teach, and why I want to be a parent. With our new house that is ours, we have a gorgeous setup for a beautiful garden where I can work on getting a green thumb.

I really want indoor plants too. However, I have to be extremely careful because of my fur children. My black cat would prefer to be exactly where I want indoor plants to be, and I really need to get them their own plants that are safe and chew-able before putting mine out. So in the meantime, all of my plants are on top of the refrigerator except for my new orchid, which is in another warm, bright shade spot protected from my cats.

So, here are some of my plants babies that I got a couple of weeks ago. They are all still alive! I have named them and have grown very attached. I cant wait to add more to the family!

This is a giant bird of paradise. She’s not staying indoors, but her name is Linda Belcher and she’s going to be the most gorgeous over the top cutie outdoors ever! She’s expected to grow up to 30 feet tall!
This is Lucy, my purple phalaenopsis orchid. I have never had an orchid and am very nervous about being the best mom for this lil cutie. I repotted her so she has better ventilation.
This is Sandra Dee, my string of pearls succulent. I’m planning to put her in a hanging planter when she grows up a bit.
This is SNEK, my snake plant. I love it!

I do have a couple more propagating, like a Tradescantia Zebrina that I’ve named Zeb Egg who is about 50/50 on deciding to live or die right now. She’s a little sensitive and has been through a lot (thanks to my teacup Panther, who is doing fine and is not sick from the plant thank GOODNESS) so I’m not going to include a picture.

By the way, I KNOW that some of the plants I choose to have are not safe for cats if ingested. I also know my cats, who will be much more interested in their own foliage than mine depending on placement. I have plans in the works to give them a mini field of cat grass and other edible cat plants so we can all get along.

I don’t want to stop here! I have more plant babies that I would love to treasure in my home.

This is my Plant Wish List:

  • Cast Iron Plant- because it’s durable.
  • Monstera- because it’s adorable.
  • String of Hearts- because our house is filled with love. And have you seen them? SO CUTE! I want to hang them all over the house!
  • Mini Phalaenopsis Orchids- because the blooms are so tiny and cute!
  • More Phalaenopsis Orchids- because they are safe for cats and pretty and I need more colors!
  • ALL THE SAFE SUCCULENTS- Echeveria, Haworthia, Hens and Chickens, Donkey Tail, etc. Because succulents are amazing and I love them and I have plans to cover my entire front yard in succulents.
  • As much Cat Grass and Catnip plants for my cats as possible so they stop trying to attack my babies.
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Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents, Part 1

Posted on by babbles&brains

I’m a teacher in an alternative education school, going to school for my masters and administrative credential, my husband and I just bought a house and moved in, and from the depths of my heart and soul I want to be a mom. So much.

I got married at 23, and my husband and I wanted to wait and live children-free before we started family planning. So we waited five years. Rather, I waited impatiently, and my husband had a set date before we would start trying: January 2020. Got to be honest, I was not happy with waiting for so long, and I wanted to start trying as soon as I turned 27. However, it was my husband who needed time to feel a little more “ready,” and I know he will be an even better dad for his patience.

I don’t have a detailed knowledge of my paternal health history, so I made sure that in 2019 to get a genetic screening to see if I was a carrier for anything that would impact the health of our future child. Thankfully, I am not a carrier.

I know that for many women, they wait at least one year of trying before seeking help from their OBGYN. However, in January I made sure to seek help because I’m really impatient, AND I have irregular cycles. I didn’t have a regular period for 8 months in 2019, which means I likely wasn’t ovulating at all. In January, I had a hemorrhagic cyst (my doctor said it was tiny) and ended up in the emergency room because of the pain and all the bleeding. After checking in with my OB after the emergency room visit, we decided to work on getting my body to ovulate with Clomid (also known as Clomiphene).

I was so hopeful. I worked so hard: peeing into little cups, taking my temperature in the middle of the night, checking cervical mucus, doing the horizontal-no-pants-dance at the optimal times, losing weight so that it will be easier to conceive, the whole enchilada. I took Clomid for four cycles, and the last two I took Clomid at double original dose per my doctor’s instructions. All of the testing I was doing at home said I had ovulated every time.

All pregnancy results were negative, and since I took over three rounds of Clomid with no success, there was nothing else my OBGYN could do to help me get pregnant. Every single time I got a negative result, I was devastated. The last round and negative result caused me to be stuck in bed crying and hating my body for at minimum a week.

It’s okay to mourn for something that didn’t ever happen, especially if you very much wanted it to.

So I took a break from stressing myself out at the end of May through June. I mean, we had to move into our new home anyway and that was stressful enough.

Our journey to becoming parents isn’t over. We were referred to a fertility clinic and are going to get a whole gambit of testing done. Unfortunately, with the COVID-19 outbreak, I couldn’t schedule anything in June really and radiology is only doing one of the procedures I need to schedule and it’s time-sensitive. So now I have to wait for another cycle and MAYBE I’ll be able to do all the tests required. I just want to know what’s going on with my body. Do I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome? Do I have endometriosis? Is there something else that’s keeping me from ovulating? I need to know what’s going on to eradicate my irrational fear of never getting to be a parent.

I’ve always had the irrational fear that I might never be able to have a baby, because of how I came to be. Currently, I’m trying to get rid of that fear, but it’s been six months with no success even with assistance, it’s starting to feel more rational. So I’m not going to keep up all the testing and tracking right now. I just can’t do that for my sanity.

I’m not going to stop trying. I’m just going to keep working on limiting stress and keeping my body as healthy as possible, and make attempts at being patient.

Don’t wish me baby dust or send baby dust my way, that sounds way too creepy. Also, please don’t give me advice right now, it makes me feel inadequate. I mean, I have doctors who are doing their best to figure things out, and a lot of independent researching of my own. If you want to give support, the best ways for me are: prayer, good vibes, peace and calm, well wishes, eating cookies and ice cream on my behalf, and keep reading whenever I post.

I will keep you in the loop on the next update.

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Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

House Update! June 2020

Posted on by babbles&brains

Note: Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. You definitely do not have to use them, and I will only provide links to things I personally have used and liked, but it would totally help out a little teacher blogger!

We’ve been spending a lot of time getting the house in order in the last few weeks. Here’s an update on what we have done so far.

Step 1: Removing the wallpaper. Luckily for us and this wallpaper remover, we got all the wallpaper off in ONE DAY. ALL of it. Three rooms of wallpaper GONE. And the glue residue is really easy to remove also: just a dense sponge and hot water gets it right off. The fuzzy plaid wallpapered room needs the sponge and hot water one more time before we paint, but I am extremely happy that we were able to remove all the wallpaper.

The FUZZY plaid wallpaper is now gone, but here is the middle of the process!

Step 2: Primer and Painting. This is something we are still doing, but we finished painting the living room walls, the kitchen, the hallways, and our master bedroom. We used mold/mildew killing primer in the kitchen and will do the same in the bathrooms. I am so excited that I now have a gorgeous dark teal accent wall in our master bedroom, and it’s going to look so nice when it all comes together.

I LOVE my accent wall! The master used to be a grey-brown, and now it’s tranquil and so pretty!

Step 3: HVAC repair. Ugh this was a journey. Working with our city’s utility services has been a nightmare, and they shut off the power to our house while their offices were closed (fearing riots) with no clear information on who to contact and what to do the day we were supposed to get our HVAC repaired. Thankfully, we got it all sorted out finally, and a week later, our HVAC is running properly, filters have been replaced, and it cost double what we thought it would. Of course. Such is the life of home owning.

Step 4: All the little things and also moving and the big things. The second bathroom toilet flapper broke so we had to replace that. We moved out of our apartment and cleaned it thoroughly so we could turn in the keys, and brought everything to our new home. My niece came for a few days to help me unpack the kitchen and clean the old apartment, and that was such a great help. Our three cats were terrified of the new place for a few days, but are now adventuring everywhere and they absolutely LOVE all the windows.

There is a lot we want to accomplish with our new home, but we did move in a week ago and I’ve got the unpacking to deal with for now. More pictures will come once we get settled. Thank goodness it’s the summer so I have a little more time to unpack and organize!

We definitely purchased a project home, and have a lot of things in store, but I am so happy to make this place my own with my husband. I am SO HAPPY. Only a week living in our new home and it has been the BEST.

Sincerely, Babbles&brains

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Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

Update on Buying a House

Posted on by babbles&brains

I was too busy Monday to update, but I’m here now. Things have happened…

Great things! Appraisal has already been done and is just a smidge over our offer (exactly $250) that was accepted, which means we get to continue to go through with our loan.

The home inspection and a pest inspection was done. I was so worried that with wood siding that there would be termites or dry rot and other creepy crawlies. Currently, the AC isn’t working so we’ve requested the sellers to get the HVAC system serviced to be up to standards. Now, this is a house from 1953, so it’s got some character, and it does have other projects that need doing eventually, but we can pretty much get those completed without breaking the bank. so with a few things, this home will be ready to move into!

I am so excited we are moving forward in buying our first house! Our lender has been very efficient also in helping us get to closing.

I’ve already decided what colors to paint the wallpaper rooms!

I can’t wait to host a wallpaper peeling party to get rid of the fuzzy wallpaper. And a gardening party to get the plants under control. Hopefully we can do social things safely and soon. I can barely wait to enjoy hosting family and friends.

I AM SO HAPPY and SO EMOTIONAL. Soon, we will have a home of our own!

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Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

House-hunting in a Pandemic

Posted on by babbles&brains

After five wonderful years, we are finally ready to buy a house. In the midst of this pandemic, we’ve been very cautiously keeping tabs on houses we like and with a realtor we’ve toured a few with covered faces, gloves, and disposable booties. I fell in love with a gorgeous 1950’s house and GUYS!!!!! It’s so precious I can’t wait to share about it but it’s still not ours. Yet.

After negotiating, our offer was finally accepted. We’re in a process. There’s inspections, discussions, escrow (learning about this all as I go), paperwork, closing, and then MOVING. I’m stressed that nothing about this process is in my control except being able to pay for it. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep in two days waiting to hear if our offer would be accepted on this precious vintage home. So I’ve been basically crawling in my skin all day from anxiety and forgot to eat breakfast this morning with coffee so I’ve been extra pacey hoping that the powers that be will let us get a house that is imperfectly perfect for us. There is a LOT more things that have to happen, and I need to CHILL OUT.

We’ve lived in a nice apartment for four years. I wanted a garden so badly, but nothing grows in our little yard in this apartment. Not enough light.

But this house! This house has so much natural light and its charming and so calming and I can’t wait to get out there and garden in that beautiful yard with adorable fruit trees and native plants and collect ALL the succulents and maybe a puppy (that’s MY plan if we don’t get preggo this year, hubby gives me eyebrows about it, but I need something to take on walks to get excess weight off, and he won’t let me take our cats). Also, if we are still quarantined, I would LOVE to work from home there, it would be so nice.

Anyway, I digress. We’re in the process of buying a house. It’s exciting, its stressful, it’s unknown. I’m taking you guys with me on the wild ride. As you can probably tell, I am emotionally invested in the house we put an offer on, and that’s a big “no-no” because all of the things that could fall through. But my heart and my hormones just don’t listen to reason right now. Hopefully it’s a sign that this cycle is a good one to conceive…

Monday is when we are getting the home inspected. Since it’s built in 1950, there could be plenty of things wrong with the house, and some things could definitely force us to not even have the chance to buy it. Or, give us the chance to get the house for cheaper than we offered. So that’s neat.

“Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear,” is the quote I wrote in my bullet journal for May. So I’m trying to not be too optimistic or pessimistic about the whole ordeal. It could go any way, and I can’t do a thing about it. It will teach me something about houses in the end.

Does anyone know how difficult it is to take off fuzzy FLOCKED wallpaper (WHY does it exist)? There’s some interesting wallpaper choices in this house we need to get rid of, and I’d like to get it done and painted before we move in, because I just CAN’T do the fuzzy wallpaper. It’s a brown and mauve plaid, and they even put it on the closet door. I love soft things but that wallpaper…. Gross!

I’ll update you on Monday evening if I’m not in excessive tears.

Sincerely, babbles&brains

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Posted in Mental Health

Uh, Hello. Again.

Posted on by babbles&brains
My work-from-home setup and my coworker, Juvia.

I’ve been having weekly panic attacks and am enjoying Animal Crossing New Horizons. Not related, unless its hunting for tarantulas.

I’ve been doing my best to take care of myself during this time. I’m really sad that our school buildings are closed for the rest of the school year, but I’ve been trying to meet with my students on Google Hangouts Meet just to see their faces and see if they’re doing okay (I’m skeptical about Zoom at the moment). I hate not being able to control things like going to work everyday and seeing my students, and not knowing what the future will look like. I hate the fact that our kids are being set behind in many ways, and I’m worried about how next school year will be.

When I was my students’ age, school saved my life. My education was a place of safety and something I had ownership of when I felt I had nothing and no control at home. I feel for my kids who find school to be a safe haven and are now stuck in situations they can’t get relief from.

I’ve been crying a lot. Panic attacks from feeling out of control of things, as well as hurting for students that might be hurting during this time, negative pregnancy tests… my brain likes to think I am a failure first.

It’s times like these where it is easy to feel defeated and powerless. However, brain, I am stronger and more powerful during these times. I care so much, and I can do things nobody thinks are possible because I care and do what it takes. I don’t give up when it comes to those I care deeply for.

I’ve been assigning enrichment activities that bring a little bit of brightness for my students. My 9th graders are making skits recreating the story of Pyramus and Thisbe (the OG Romeo & Juliet story). I’m excited to see how their one-man shows will turn out. My 8th graders are reviewing the Civil War through historic literature and speeches. My 7th graders are writing about a person who changed their life. For whoever can do them, it’s something to do. It’s something for me to do to show how much I care. It matters.

The best news to come out of this time is no state testing this school year. Though some funding may be tied to state testing, our kids don’t need that added stress in normal times, and we don’t need less time to teach them about things that truly matter, like relationships.

All this to say, I’ve been absent from writing because I have been working through anxiety and prepping for distant learning, and connecting with my best friend through Animal Crossing.

Readers, how are you really doing? Are you alright? If not, I hope you will be soon. Please wash your hands. Sanitize your devices. Practice self-compassion.

Talk to you soon,

Babbles&brains

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Posted in Bullet Journaling

My favorite Bullet Journal things

Posted on by babbles&brains

NOTICE: Some of the following links are affiliate links. However, all of the products in this post I have purchased myself. Click here for more information.

Winter the kitten-cat modeling my bujo supplies.

Since I have been journaling for a while, I have accumulated some really cool things for making bullet journaling more fun for me. However, all you really need is a notebook and a pen. It doesn’t even have to be a dot grid notebook. My very first dot grid bullet journal was from Peter Pauper Press because I wasn’t sure if I would like bullet journaling and it was only $10 on Amazon. IF you want to test the waters on bullet journaling and don’t want to break the bank, I found another dot grid journal for only $8.09. I bought one for a friend who wanted to try it out recently, and it’s a great starter journal.

My red vegan leather sleeve and “starry night” insert! I’m so excited to use it!

My favorite A5 dot grid journal brand is Scribbles that Matter. The doodles are just adorable on the inside cover pages. I also love the fact that they have two bookmarks, a back pocket, and a pen loop. I’ve gone through three A5 Pro Versions of the dot grid journals. This company is always listening to its customer base and has come up with some amazing products. Recently, they have made vegan leather sleeves and inserts so you can choose your favorite color sleeve and change out inserts when you finish a journal. I LOVE this option for bullet journaling because the leather sleeve will last a while. I just got myself a red sleeve and the “starry night” insert. Get ready for JUNE 2020, because that’s when I start the next journal with BLACK PAGES (I go from June to May because I teach and it is a lot easier to organize my life around the school year rather than starting in January). I remember friends in middle school who used black paper notebooks with creamy gel pens and it just means so much to me to be able to let out my inner tween in bullet journaling. I only have three white gel pens for my black journal currently, but I definitely intend to get a few more things for black journals. Looking forward to showing you guys!

I really love having straight lines, and my favorite thing for straight lines are Jayden’sApple metal stencils on Etsy. They’re sturdy, practical, and versatile. I have the starter pack with a lined stencil for those terrible habit tracker things (habit trackers aren’t that bad I just have anxiety and perfectionism issues), a stencil with basic shapes (circles, triangles, angles for banners or drawing tags, hearts, leaves, etc.), and a circular stencil for mood trackers. The best part about these stencils is that all three of them will fit nicely in the back pocket area of my bullet journal.

For the white page notebooks, any pen you choose will work. Because I am a sloppy person who hates smudges, the fine point Sharpie pens work for me most of the time. Plus, they fit really nicely in my journal’s pen loop. I love fine lines for cute details and to keep things looking crisp. I am in the market for grey fine line pens, because I tend to use black for writing and grey for big things like monthly spreads. I also really love having the Pilot Frixion pens because they erase, but the downside is they smudge if you’re me and are not patient. But you can erase that too no problem. My best friend LOVES her Frixion pens. For fine line color, I go for Staedler fineliners.

Hand-lettering is a whole thing for bullet journaling too. I have collected quite a few options. Tombow dualbrush pens are nice, but also a little bulky and thick for day to day lettering like for a weekly spread. I only have the brights set, but I think if I were to do it over I’d go for pastel ones, which would be really nice for highlighting and shadowing. The best brush pens in my opinion are the Kuretake Watercolor brush pens. For me, they are easier to control size because the brush tip is more flexible, like an actual watercolor brush. I have the set of 24, but they have larger packs if you’re really into all the colors. My absolute favorite from Tombow is their Fudenosuke Brush Pens. They are a nice, rich black, and they do a beautiful job of dainty hand-lettering. Being patient with them is important, but they are so nice I can wait for them to dry a bit. Sometimes. I also use Crayola Supertips because they are extremely versatile. I have the pack of 100. I numbered every single pen by wrapping the cap in a little washi tape AND made a key on my test page because Supertips don’t have their color names on the markers (WHY) and I needed to know which marker was which color. Yes, I am extra.

My Crayola Supertips key is necessary!

For days when I just can’t be bothered to be cute and creative, there is washi tape. Washi tape is awesome. It’s pretty much the same everywhere for washi tape so I don’t have specific recommendations. Get a few packs of colors and patterns that speak to you and you’ll be set. I have a whole washi tape organizer full of washi tapes that I had to get because they were my aesthetic (meaning I saw they had pineapples, florals, and cuteness). I will not buy any more washi tape until there is space for it in my organizer (from Hobby Lobby). I promise, hubby.

Now, there’s something else I have to mention that I really love for my journal. A book sleeve for bullet journals. I have an “Indie-sized” floral one from bookbeau (as you can see my cat model for me in the first photo). Because I tend to bring my bullet journal everywhere with me, having a protective sleeve on it really helps it stay nice and neat, protecting it from whatever craziness is happening inside the bag. I’ve had a pen explode in my bag and it ruined the cover of my last bullet journal just days before my bookbeau sleeve arrived. My heart still hurts to think about it. Anyway, bookbeau has a lot of options in patterns and cute things, and there is also a cute store on Etsy called PagesRemembered that has more options for sleeves. I don’t think the vegan leather journal I bought will fit my Indie-sized bookbeau sleeve, so I may have to get a bigger one (and I saw one that has cats and books so….. I need that one).

These were all my bujo favorites so far. I’m working on keeping my bullet journal Instagram @babblesandbrainsbujo updated with my latest spreads. Hope to see you there!

See you next time,

Babbles&brains

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Posted in Mental Health

I’m trying.

Posted on by babbles&brains

Trying to stay motivated to finish my graduate program. Trying to get pregnant. Trying to plan something cute and fun for my fifth wedding anniversary. Trying to save for a house in California. Trying to stay on top of my grading and paperwork for the independent study program I teach at. Trying to get better at keeping my house clean. Trying to get motivated not to crash on the couch when I get home. Trying to organize what I need to stay on top of with bullet journaling. Trying to get consistent with writing. Trying to stay out of my anxiety brain. Trying to write. Trying to get into the role of my new character in a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign that my friend wants to stream weekly on twitch (gulp). Trying to get stuff done to play the new Animal Crossing game when it comes out. In no particular order.

I’ve obviously got a lot going on. I have a lot I strive to be. I’m so lucky to have the opportunity to try and achieve these things. I’m in a great place right now with my job. I have a roof over my head, and three cats to cuddle with me and my husband. I’ve got a fantastic husband who is learning to cook for us while I’m working and going to school.

Right now though, I am exhausted. I think it’s the cold I contracted from my students (not the novel Corona virus, just a head cold). And my period and the fertility medication I am taking so we can start a family. And that it is typically a two week spring break for my district right now but my new school runs on a schedule where we only have one week, and doesn’t start until March 16. It definitely looks like I am burning the candle at both ends. I’m trying not to do that.

My teacup panther laying on my hair so I stay lying down.

I’m practicing self-care and self-compassion. I think that’s why I’m writing this right now. I’ve got a lot on my plate. It’s hard work. I don’t know if there is an end in site to the amount of work left that needs to be done. I also know I’ve got a great support system and know that there are others like me who are also exhausted at this time because of all the things they have to accomplish. I’m trying to prioritize what makes me truly happy and what I need to get done. It’s okay that I don’t have the cleanest house in the world right now. As long as the bathroom and kitchen are consistently disinfected, it’s okay if there’s cat toys all over the house right now. It’s okay if I have six garbage bags in the closet full of clothes to donate since Fall 2019 and haven’t taken them out yet (Marie Kondo won’t approve, but I’m not paying her to help me minimize my belongings. I’m a teacher I can’t afford that). Those things will get done when I’m ready. Next week during spring break. I can wait three more days to fulfill my desire to scrub the entire apartment from top to bottom and get rid of everything that does not bring joy.

A messy house makes me anxious. Our house isn’t even that bad. I was just raised by a hoarder and I don’t want to be like that. It makes my skin crawl to know that I have a tendency to be a mess.I also have been incapable of getting things together the way I wanted it since we moved into this apartment mid-school-year in 2016. What about the summer? No, not able to get it together then either. Because my most debilitating anxiety and depressive episodes have been happening when I’m not in charge of a hundred teenagers. This year is different though. I finally started taking medication to help me function as a human every day, including my off time. I’m ready to get things together! After I sleep for two days straight.

I’m trying. I’m working on it. I’m putting in the effort. I’m not just speaking it into the universe. I’m just really tired right now and need to catch up on a period of rest my body is telling me I need. Don’t forget to rest, because it is good and you can get back to everything you’re trying with much more energy.

See you around,

Babbles&brains

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Posted in Teaching & Education

Being a Middle School Teacher

Posted on by babbles&brains 
"That must be so difficult!" 
"I'll pray for you."
"I could never!"
"You must be a saint!" 
"I'm so sorry!" 
"Wait, you chose to teach middle school?!"

When people ask me about my profession, these phrases most often follow my reply. I sort of get that they’re trying to tell me my job is important. However, it also sounds like middle school kids are the absolute worst people in the universe.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t actually like when people say these things about my job, about my students. What, because they’re developing critical thinking skills and asking questions about their world and their truth they’re terrible? Are they presumed to be awful because they know how to post Tiktoks and keep streaks on Snapchat? I don’t agree with vilifying tweenagers. In fact, I am actually really lucky to be teaching middle school.

Here’s what is true about my students:
You can actually talk to them. Because seventh and eighth graders are older and developing critical thinking skills, we have many conversations about real-world experiences: how to vote, economics and taxes, health and well-being, family struggles, et cetera. They are curious about these things, and they want to practice having conversations with people about these things because they already know they will have to face these conversations as adults. Treating them as if you wouldn’t want to voluntarily go near them is actually harmful to their critical thinking skills and emotional state. I’m so lucky I have a group of students who want to have real conversations with me. I’m so lucky I don’t have to teach kids who don’t really understand what adulthood might be yet.

They are still adorable. Probably not in the same way as a roly-poly cuddly toddler, but they can still be just the cutest things ever. Examples: An eighth-grader yelling at someone to get tissues right away because they saw a seventh grader crying under a table outside, catching a seventh grader who hates reading completely engrossed in a book you recommended, a wiggly tween bouncing around on a yoga ball while intensely working at their desk, and watching all of these kids from different backgrounds actually caring about each other and becoming true friends. I’m lucky I get to witness how cute they are and be a part of their formative years.

They aren’t evil. Sure, I get some days of attitude and exaggerated drama. I get tattle-tales and sidekicks (those who decide to like to say “Yeah, Mrs. Huft said _____” after I correct a student). They’re still young, and they are learning how to socialize. They’re learning how to process their emotions. They’re learning how to create lasting bonds. I’ve got two students who I would have never imagined being the sweetest and hardworking students ever calling me “mom” because even though they put up their hard walls with attitude, I didn’t back down and cared instead. How could someone say “I’m sorry” that I teach middle school when they are all learning how to be loving and kind? I am so lucky that I get to teach students right at the age where they are trying to figure out who they truly want to be and help them get there.

My job is awesome. I love my students.

Until next time,
Babbles&brains

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Posted in Miscellaneous Shenanigans

Intro to babbles&brains

Posted on by babbles&brains

Hi! I’m Tiara.

I am really excited to start my blog up with absolutely no focus, just life stuff and what I like.

A babble about me: I’m an English teacher at a brand new, really cool school program. I teach middle school and high school children (I know, a lot of people say “God bless you for teaching middle school,” and I have something to say about that soon). I’m in my second year of clearing my teaching credential, but I’ve been a teacher for five years. I LOVE my job.

I also roped myself into working toward an administrative credential and Master’s degree. AND my husband and I are trying to start a family. I’ve been through so much in life already and I am only 28. I bullet journal to keep my life from overwhelming my already cluttered thoughts and feelings. You can actually find my bullet journaling page @babblesandbrainsbujo.

I can hardly wait to get started. See you later!

Me and my husband 💜
Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The Fourth Month

Posted on by babbles&brains

I had to go back to work.

I could not handle even looking into childcare. It made me panic every time it was brought up. Leaving my boy with someone or company when he truly should be with his mom and dad was too much.

Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

My district doesn’t give monetary support for family bonding. If I didn’t have disability insurance, I would have to pay my substitute during maternity leave out of my paycheck. Family bonding time would be unpaid, and we couldn’t afford that.

The principal provided a pump room for me, but it was difficult to have coverage to pump, and I always felt in a rush to get back.

I cried a lot that school year. My sweet boy would cry when he saw me leave, or I had to give up sweet baby snuggles so I could go to work. If I were to express exactly how that felt, I would probably cry some more.

My husband works from home most of the week, though, so our son was happy at home with his dad.

His first word was “Dada” (more on that later). Naturally.

That’s all I can really say about month four. It was hard, and I absolutely loved coming home to a baby happy to see me. Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The Third Month

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Something magical and inexplicable happened when our boy turned three months old.

I think that it was that we finally hit a good rhythm that worked for the whole family. I no longer needed to pump eight times a day, and got more time to hold our son in my arms while he napped and just looked at him.

He started smiling while awake in response to us, feeling his environment, looking around at his world, making the cutest cooing and babbles…

Our teacup house panther loves to be around our boy.

I finally had a little bit of time and space to truly enjoy being his mom.

Even though I clearly remembered exactly what my birth experience felt like, watching my baby become less of a newborn potato made me really want to have another baby as soon as time and energy allowed.

We were finally out of survival mode, I think.

Our boy hated tummy time unless it was on me, and he started teething, but no teeth showed up for months. He was copying faces and started to laugh a little which was so precious. His babbles and the way he hummed to soothe himself while sleepy made both of his parents fall in love with him all over again.

He was magic.

Next week, four months update!

Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The Second Month

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Our son was in preemie-size clothes for his first month, and he graduated to newborn clothes during his second month. And he graduated to cloth diapers, at least the newborn-size ones.

Two for two months old!

As soon as he started eating from me better, we were all able to get a little bit better sleep. He was not a good independent sleeper. He needed contact to sleep, and I wasn’t going to refuse that. We co-slept safely at night, and during the day he was in our arms.

Since he was still very much a newborn, it was obviously very similar to the first month. We still didn’t have a lot of sleep, feeding around the clock, learning how to read his cues. It didn’t feel intuitive for us, so we relied on help from the Huckleberry app and the lactation club. The basic subscription to Huckleberry SweetSpots for naps and bedtimes was so helpful in keeping our son from getting too grumpy, and less crying meant we were less frazzled. Getting to be in a safe space to learn all about feeding my baby with other moms who also struggled was so precious and valuable.

We were still completely exhausted from being up so frequently around the clock. We did get to take turns playing Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom while we passed our sleepy or hungry son back and forth.

The most precious moments were seeing my husband become an amazing dad. Making faces, talking to our son in funny voices, holding and rocking him to sleep, and getting sprayed during diaper changes (which happen more often than you think).

If we had to do it all over again, I think I would try to go on more outdoor walks during the day. It would have helped me immensely with postpartum depression and anxiety, but it was very difficult for me to figure out the best time to do it between feeding and napping.

Month three update is next week. See you then!

Posted in New Parents, Now What?

New Parents, Now What? The First Month

Posted on by babbles&brains

If there’s any advice to give parents with their very first newborn, it’s to have someone you trust come by every day and hold your baby while they nap at least once a day so you can actually nap too.

Our house panther immediately snuggled with Dad and babe when we got home from the hospital. Our son was SO little!

Birth was not too difficult for me, I was induced at 37 weeks, so he was only 5 pounds, 6.7 ounces. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck by the time he was ready to come out, so we didn’t get skin-to-skin immediately because he needed some help from the pediatric team right away. But we did get it minutes later. He was healthy and holding him in my arms for the first time made me feel whole.

Then came the actual difficult things. He didn’t have enough cheek fat to latch well, and his glucose level got too low too many times and had to spend some time in the NICU. We were using syringes and a tube that would encourage him to latch and suckle, so the three of us were involved in every feeding every two hours. He struggled to gain weight his first week, so he and I went to a lactation club with a lactation nurse to help us. We were put on a triple feeding schedule to keep encouraging him to latch and make sure he was getting enough food to gain weight.

The triple feeding schedule was like this: Every two hours after the start of his last feeding, spend 30 minutes trying to breastfeed. Then, if he’s not latching still, he gets a bottle of a certain amount of breastmilk or formula while I pump for at least 30 minutes. Then we would burp him and feed him again another measured amount. It took ages, was grueling, and we also had to deal with my hormones and mental health at the same time.

He would only latch twice a week at the lactation club. Trying to impress the nurses, I’m sure. Almost all the other times I tried to feed him, he screamed at my chest because he was hungry and just couldn’t get it, so he got a bottle and I pumped while crying about it. It was so heartbreaking when I tried everything and he still couldn’t latch and just eat and be at peace. We were “triple-feeding” for a month, and then finally, at 30 days exactly, he gained enough fat and muscle to latch properly.

That was just feeding for the first month of his life. It was definitely overwhelming. I also started physical therapy for Bell’s Palsy (unique pregnancy plus viral infection symptom) and having to leave my newborn to exercise my face felt so wrong, but it was really good that I had to do something to take care of myself.

It was lovely to have someone we trust come by at least twice a week to hold our sleeping son while the new parents got some sleep. The sleep deprivation was absolutely torture. Despite all these huge challenges, we all made it!

That’s enough babbles from me for our first month as brand-new parents. Next week is the 2-month update. See you then!

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 17: SUCCESS!

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I know, it’s been ages. But that’s the best news, right?

Our sweet boy is now one year and 3 months old, and it’s been a whirlwind. I really wanted to do my best and focus on my first year as a little family. So, thanks for waiting for about two years for me.

His sweet little hands!

For the sake of allowing my babe to have a choice in his digital footprint, among other protections my son deserves, I will only be posting non-identifying photos of my son on my blog. Thanks for understanding!

I don’t want this blog to be intolerably long, so I will let you know I plan to update weekly on Thursdays with each month of adventure we’ve had so far with our son.

See you this Thursday!

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 15: The Two Week Wait

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So much has happened since the last time I posted. The PGT results came in and indicated that we had three genetically viable embryos, and we signed off on transferring one this month. Transfer day was August 12, 2022.

My sweet husband and I, very much ready for our first embryo transfer.

The transfer itself was very quick. The prep was not fun. Apparently I have a smaller bladder than normal people so that made things uncomfortable for a while. But it was done and it was a perfect transfer!

And now, we’re waiting for my beta test appointments. Four days left actually for when I get results. FOUR. DAYS.

I’ve never been this close to being pregnant before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel in my body with pregnancy, so I can’t really say with confidence that I am without more proof. I have the cutest picture of our embryo, but I’m not ready to share it until we get our official news.

I’ll update in four days!

Cautiously optimistic, babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents- Part 14: Cryo-babies!

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After all this time, we have four embryos being biopsied and frozen.

This is next! AHHHH THIS IS NEXT.

I am over the moon excited we have such a good chance of being parents now. We’re so close!

Now we just have to wait for our pgt results and my body to rest to get ready for pregnancy.

From 21 eggs, we had 16 mature eggs, and 9 fertilized normally, and by day 5/6 we got four embryos growing properly enough to be PGT tested.

We haven’t completely decided quite yet because we will discuss the plans with our doctor and nurse, but we’re really hoping we can do two embryos at once this first egg transfer in mid-August. I don’t mind twins, though I know the goal is one healthy pregnancy at a time and multiples make it risky. But we also have to wait to see if our embryos have all the chromosomes they’re supposed to for a viable pregnancy. So our number of embryos could be smaller in about two weeks. I’m really hoping we continue receiving good news on our little ones.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains

Posted in Trying to Become Parents Journey

Trying to Become Parents Part 12: Shots Everybody

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Today is day 5 of injections for stimulating my ovaries to grow as many follicles as possible for my body. I’m trying to stay hopeful while also trying not to think too much about what I can’t see right now. That part is going okay, I think.

This is just some of the injections and supplies. I have a whole pharmacy in my bathroom!

Tomorrow we start counting follicles and measuring their size. So the doctor can start figuring out how many eggs they can get.

Every night when my spouse helps me with the injections, I am still amazed that this is actually happening for us, that we are actually getting so much closer to starting our family.

I’m taking each day at a time, trying to fill each day with something enjoyable. We have just about a week left before the big retrieval day. Already! I’m so nervous but I’m doing everything I can to be as healthy and ready as possible.

Until next time,

Babbles&brains